I could write it down, and spread it all around

I’ve been thinking.. I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and why I feel the way I do. I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel uncomfortable in certain circumstances and why I feel comfortable in others. Why do I feel uncomfortable with some of the people I once felt so close to? The people who seemed to bring me out of my shell and make me so much more comfortable than I was before. Now, I can handle them, I just don’t particularly like to. And yet I still want to be with them sometimes. But I think that want is the want to be back where I was last year, not to be with them now. After everything that has happened, I’m scared to get close to any of them. I’m scared to have real conversation and spend real time with them. And it’s funny because, a couple months ago the person I wanted to stay away from is now the only one I can stand, the only one I’m comfortable with just chilling.  It just sucks that the one person that makes me feel like I can take on the world, the person who makes me feel like nothing and no one can hurt me or bother me, the person that calms all my nerves, the person that makes me excited about things, the person that makes me feel like myself, the person that I am so comfortable with, isn’t here with me. It’s hard. And it just makes me think.. what if I’m uncomfortable around these people because I’ve become SO comfortable around him. So when he’s not here, I’m just never fully comfortable.  But now that I’m going through all this, I see that that’s not true. There are other people I feel comfortable with, just not in the same way. I guess it’s situational? Idk I think I just need to get out of this house. I feel like I’m being held back.  I’m in college… I want to party on the weekends, I’m still young and I still wanna get fucked up, responsibly of course. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but my living situation prevents me from doing that and I don’t think I can fully explain why.  Maybe it’s partly because I don’t wanna get fucked up with these people?? Maybe it’s because I’ll feel like a hypocrite, maybe it’s because I’m trying to set an example.  But I’m not responsible for anyone else but myself. And I have to keep telling myself that because I feel responsible. I feel like everyone needs my help and needs someone to take care of them.. but I can’t. I can’t take care of people especially if they don’t want the help. There’s only one person I truly want to devote my help and efforts to and that’s because he likes helping people too. He’s a very giving and caring person and he’s very generous. Sometimes a little too generous but that’s why he deserves the best in the world. Unfortunately some people can’t see that about him but that’s only because they’re lost. This is getting longer than I wanted it to but I guess that’s what tends to happen. The point of this post wasn’t at all to tell people what’s going on with my life because I honestly don’t think anyone really cares. But I write this shit for me because it helps me. It’s what I need to see that I’m happy. I am happy. I go to a school where everyone complains about it but when you look at it comparatively it’s the shit. I live in a city and an apartment where I can do whatever the fuck I want. I have some good friends that make me happy. I have the best boyfriend in the whole world and I’m thankful for everyday I have these things. I just wish some people were different. I wish I could meet some new people and I wish I could get out of this bubble I feel like I’m stuck in.